Ain't Karma A BEEEEE
by evefaxton
Summary: Dang, the celestial censor is stuck again! This is what happens when the Akatsuki go to hell. Re-posted, re-edited, re-'friggin female doggin' written crack fic.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Naruto nor make any money from writing this.

KONNICHIWA BITCHES! Wow, that feels better. Like a gag finally being taken out after a long-(cough)... Anyways!

Betcha wondering why is this re-posted? Well, my title was obscene. Thus I lost all the reviews and stats because one word in my title was objectionable. There was no note from the admin asking to change it, which I would have. Just out of the blue, bam! It's all gone and irretrievable. But it was because of fanfic's reputation that I started double posting on Aff in the first place. So here it is again. Aside from some editing, this story is the same. I don't expect much in the way of reviews because, lets face it, it's been around for over four years and a fair number of people have already read the story.

Those of you coming across this story for the first time, here is the original Author's Note:

Yes, there is another OC pairing, but only as a means of torture. Very mature slapstick humor and strong Terry Pratchett's 'Small Gods' influence.

Enjoy!

"Ain't Karma A Bitch!"

Uchiha Itachi woke up to overwhelming darkness around him except for the strange white tile flooring under his feet and a weird office door with a large "P" in front of him. He peered around waiting for something to jump at him from the shadows, but was met with nothing. He still wasn't quite sure what was going on, until he found Kisame standing next to him looking just as dumbfounded as he was. It was then that the Uchiha's memories returned.

"Oh," he murmured as he sadly looked down at his feet, "That's right. Sasuke-kun killed me."

Hoshigaki crossed his arms and huffed, "He did have help though. I told you we should've taken out the Konoha nin when we had the chance the first time."

"Well, it's too late now," sighed Itachi. Then both men turned around when they heard an easily recognizable voice grumble its way toward them.

"First fucking chance I get, I'll pummel that fucking Nara kid into the damn ground. Seriously," Hidan shook off the last of the dirt clinging to him and strode up to Itachi and Kisame.

The shinobi stared at the foul-mouthed man in shock until he shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know why the hell I'm here, so don't bother asking! One minute, I'm underground in pieces, cursing out the damn Leaf-Nins and the next I'm standing here, all put together like fucking nothing happen."

"So I guess that just leaves Tobi, Pein, and his partner, huh," sighed Kisame as he nervously fumbled Samehada, "All I can say is... good luck to the lot of them."

"Tobi-san and the others still have a few tricks up their sleeves," said Itachi calmly.

The shark nin grinned, "I wasn't talking about them."

Hidan shrugged, "Well, it's not our fucking problem anymore. Now wherever the hell we are, lets get going. I just got out of that hellhole and I need to stretch my legs." The violet-eyed man stalked up to the office door in front of them and pushed it open. The door opened up to a sterile office waiting room with several tables and to the three shinobi's surprise, the tables were occupied by familiar faces.

Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori looked up from their work and gave the new arrivals friendly waves.

"Hi guys," said Kakuzu as he turned back to his papers, "Figured you'd get here sooner or later."

Deidara and Kakuzu had huge piles of paper on the left sides with much smaller piles on their right. The smaller piles had signs in front of them labeled "Done" except for Sasori, whose paper piles were opposite. The studious puppet-master had a rapidly disappearing "In" pile being moved into the "Done" section.

"Uchiha Itachi, Hoshigaki Kisame, and Hidan," said a strange nasal voice from the head of the room, "Please come to the front desk. Your files are here, ready and waiting."

The three shinobi walked past their concentrating comrades and looked down at a flamingo pink-haired woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties, chewing bubble-gum.

She looked right back at them with a wink, "Hiya sweeties! Since you're gonna be here a while, let me introduce ourselves. We're your case-workers, the name's Gladys and over there's Maureen."

"Helloooo," sang a blond beehive from behind a bookshelf along with a waving hand covered in liver spots.

As the shinobi blinked in confusion, the pink secretary stood up and handed several stacks into the bewildered men's arms, "Welcome to Purgatory. You guys need to fill out all these forms in triplicate then turn them in for processing. When you're done, a suitable afterlife will be chosen for you according to the information you provide." The secretary hurriedly placed more sets of files on each of the newcomers, before she lost more valuable manicure time on these lost souls.

"There ya' go," she smiled at them before making herself comfortable in her heavenly ergonomic chair once more, "Take a seat where ya' like. There's pencils and pens at the tables."

"This can't be right," said Itachi as he peeked through the folders, "Our culture is Buddhist and Shinto, not Judeo-Christian."

The secretary nodded as she waved a nail file, "Yeah, hon, but apparently your ancestors put it to a vote and they want nuthin' to do with ya. Therefore redirecting your afterlife to the default point here... Purgatory."

"That's leaves us with the Buddhism option, un" said Deidara as he picked up one paper form for the three shinobi to see, "So we're all trying to apply for Karma."

"Hey," Kisame sat down at a table and looked around the office, "Where's Orochimaru? I thought he would be here too"

"It turns out he was clinically insane," said Sasori without looking up, "Something to do with suffering from a hormonal imbalance from the reptilian DNA in his bloodline trait. Seems all the pain and destruction he caused was just glandular and he was waved right on through."

Hidan shook his head in disgust, "Why that lucky slithering muthafu-!" The white-haired man didn't get to finish because Sasori rushed from his table and covered the man's mouth with one hand.

The "Immortal" Shinobi's violet eyes grew big as the puppet master whispered in Hidan's ear, "What seriously?"

Sasori nodded his head as he returned to his seat, "Seriously."

"Aw, fu... fu... fuuudge," Hidan's shoulders slumped as he shook his head sadly, "It just don't work!" He grudgingly made his way to a table to drop the stacks on top.

Blowing a big pink bubble, the secretary simply grinned at him, "I didn't make the rules, hun. I just work here."

Itachi picked up his stacks and sighed as he took a seat with his fellow Akatsuki, "So I take it we're all up the creek without a paddle."

"Maybe you suckers are," rebounded Hidan as he remembered his religion and proudly swung his three-bladed scythe, "But I've got a god who likes what I do. Go on, woman! Just look up Jashin then let me through."

Rolling her eyes, the secretary sat her nail file down and her manicured fingers flit across her computer's keyboard, "Jashin. Jashin. There's no Jashin here on the Gods registrar. Let me look in Demi-gods. No, maybe Demons? Nah, not there eithah. Ahah! Here he is! Yeah, he's now under the 'Figment' section." The woman turned the monitor and pointed to the computer screen for Hidan to see for himself.

"Fig-, fig-," the rabid cultist was going into conniptions from seeing his precious god reduced to barely a thought.

"Figment of the Imagination," helped the secretary as she gave him a cheerful slap on the cheek, "Yeah, he no longah has god status anymore. Apparently, you were his only true followah and worked real hard to keep you alive too. When you became unable to fulfill all the ritual requirements he set on you, he ended up dying for lack of religious fervor. So when he died, you died, but he died because you died. Are you following me, honey, cause you look like you're about to pop a blood vessel." She snapped her gum at him, causing the man's eye to develop a nervous tic and his neck began twitching to one side.

Teeth clenched tightly, Hidan walked over to the wall and started banging his head against it, relishing in the soothing pain.

"What's wrong with him," Kisame nodded towards the frustrated man.

Sasori sighed as he placed another paper on the 'Done' pile, "He's upset because he can't swear. It'll just give him more paperwork to fill out."

Itachi scowled as he watched the spazzing Hidan attempt to knock himself senseless, 'If I was able to skip through the Konoha Academy in one year, surely I can find a way to slip through the cracks of this shithole.'

Kisame looked up from his forms when his partner stood up from his table, "Hey, where are you going?"

"I'm just going to talk with the lovely lady over there," Itachi's velvet voice dripped with honey and his dark eyes glowed a sultry red with his Sharingan.

Gladys the secretary stopped in the middle of her "Filing" when a distinctly male body leaned against her desk and she glanced up at the dashing young man with strange red eyes, "Can I help ya' handsome?"

The Uchiha worked hard to keep a blank face when the woman's accent grated on his ears, 'I'm going to need a really strong genjutsu for this.'

"Why yes, you can," Itachi glanced down at a finger as his tomoe swirled in his red pupils then he bent close to Gladys, nearly murmuring on her bright red lips, "I couldn't help but notice some of the incidents in my forms were exaggerated. I feel that the so-called 'Victims' did, in fact, enjoy themselves and are still alive today. Those certain files really don't need to exist. Do they?"

"Oh my, my," with a slight blush rising up her cheeks, the woman subconsciously fussed with her flamingo hair.

Itachi smirked triumphantly and held out a hand, "Please, allow me to make my argument in private."

The rest of the Akatsuki quickly threw their heads back down and pencils scratched at top speed. None of them looked back up until Itachi and Gladys disappeared into the bathroom and locked the door.

"Oh man, un! If I had done that when I first got here, I'd have been long gone," grumbled Deidara as he glared at the bathroom door, "But then she never made eyes at me, un."

"Probably because she thought you were a girl... un," said Sasori dryly.

Then they heard nasally gasping and moaning echo through the walls and ventilation., "Ohh-ooooh..." The secretary's irritating voice reverberated into the waiting room and needled it's way into the Akatsuki brains.

Hidan eyed his scythe wondering if cutting off his own ears would make the torture stop. Kakuzu unraveled some of his strings, stuck them deep in his ears, then sighed in sweet relief.

Deidara rubbed harshly at his poor forehead before signing the bottom of his paper, "It sounds like they're having a good time, un."

Kisame nodded as he started in on another form, "Yup, he says it helps to use a genjutsu."

"Seriously," Hidan looked up from his writing in disbelief, "Itachi uses genjutsu on women to get them in bed?"

Kisame frowned at the impossibility, "What? Nah, nah, it's for him!"

"Aaaah," they all chorused.

The room went silent when the bathroom door opened and the two "Lovers" walked out. The secretary had the glow that happens to a woman who spends twenty minutes alone with a Uchiha male. Itachi had the unreadable mask that he wore when he didn't want to remember a particularly horrifying experience.

"So do we have a deal," the young man prodded carefully.

The woman smiled happily as she patted down her pink hair and purred, "Of course! It would have been a terrible crime to deprive all womanhood of such expert skills. Just bring your files over here."

Itachi gave his grousing friends a smirk as he picked up his stacks and handed them to the secretary. She searched through all the different folders and pulled out the one marked, "Sex". Then she fingered through the many forms and pulled out three slips of paper.

"There ya' go," She pushed the huge stacks back into the surprised Uchiha's arms, "Oh and you'll have to fill out another form for seducing a celestial employee, but don't worry it's an easy one." With a wink, the damn bitch placed one more paper on top of the pile.

"HAH," laughed Kisame as he ribbed a grinning Deidara with an elbow, "I never thought I would see the day when the player gets played!"

The brooding Uchiha looked down at the folders in his arms, "I'm in hell, aren't I."

"Aw, such a sweet talkah! No, handsome," the secretary lovingly pinched the stoic Uchiha's cheeks with both hands, "You should be so lucky! In hell, all you guys are so populah, even King Herod wants your autographs."

Sasori, who prided himself on historical figures, looked up rather confused, "King who?"

"They're Japanese, luv, not Jewish," sang a robust voice from behind several bookshelves.

The secretary nodded as she flicked her wrist and snapped her gum, "Oh, right! See, he's this old king who's claim to fame was ordering all these baby boys to be killed. But I can tell ya' here and now, that wasn't what did him in."

Already regretting listening in, the other Akatsuki stopped their writing and looked up from their tables.

She curled a finger to bring a curious Itachi near, "Apparently, the biggie was ordering his brotha killed... so he could marry his sister-in-law... so he could screw his underage niece!"

And she slapped her hand on the desk for emphasis, "You should've seen the size of THAT file, I tell ya'!"

Itachi tried to keep his cool, but the horror still flickered across his face, "Big was it?"

With eyes wide, the secretary nodded and whispered harshly, "Apparently, she was his favorite."

Deidara covered his mouth with a mouth as he felt bile rising up his throat. If Sasori still had a stomach, he would've been emptying it. Kakuzu kept writing in blissful ignorance until he noticed the strange gagging coming from Kisame.

"If you hurl chunks on my suit, Sharkie, you're paying for the dry-cleaning," warned the shinobi as the strings pulled out from inside his head.

Hidan shook his head in disbelief, "All we did was kill countless numbers of innocent people, but some freaky pedophile gets special treatment?"

Deciding never to engage this woman in conversation ever again, Itachi quickly made his way back to the table and start filling out his paperwork. If Sasori had the discipline to be nearly done, so did he.

As the hours went by, eventually the secretary stretched and stood up from her chair, "If you'll excuse me, Maureen and I need to attend a little employee meeting. Stay out of trouble."

All the men let out a sigh of relief to see the pink-haired woman disappear behind the bookshelves. Then they heard echoes of the two secretaries giggling and gossiping happily from the back room.

"Not bad, Gladys," trilled a lusty mature voice, "Not bad at all! I just wish there was a chance at love for an ol' broad like me... this sixty year old bod just does not bring in the fellows like it used to."

"Oh, I tell ya, Maureen, those guys have been giving me the eye since I started spraying my hair pink. If you want to get lucky, change from blond to pinkette. That Itachi kid has got talent!"

The rest of the Akatsuki turned to look at the Uchiha, whose pen started moving faster. If Itachi wasn't already dead, he would have committed Sepuku.

"I don't know, Gladys," the robust voice seemed to come a little closer as a blond beehive peeked out from around the corner, "That Hidan one looks like he favors blonds and I really wouldn't mind playing with his 'Scythe', if you catch my drift!"

Said man sprung from his chair and proceeded to freaked out, "NO! NO! There is no BEEPing way in muthaBEEPing hell that I am going to let an old BEEPity-BEEP get BEEPing near me! Seriously!" Five papers popped right on top of his mile high "Swearing" pile.

Everyone glanced around every time an odd beeping noise covered Hidan's cursing and Kakuzu chuckled heartily, "It sounds like there's an automated censor in the speaker system. Must be top of the line to keep up with Hidan's cursing."

The redhead puppeteer kept writing through his "Thievery" folder, "Now you've got five more forms to fill out, Hidan. Better be careful."

"I don't give a flying BEEP anymore!" Hidan picked up his scythe and sliced the papers apart accidentally hitting some of Kakuzu and Deidara's stacks.

"Careful with that, un," grumbled Deidara, "And it looks like you got a new one too."

Sasori smiled as he worked through his second to the last folder before heading off to 'Reincarnation', "It won't do you any good, Hidan. The papers will just repair themselves."

The masochistic shinobi swung his three-bladed scythe around the room, venting all his anger and frustration on anything in his path, "BEEP! BEEP!" Unfortunately for Hidan's former partner in crime, the blades hit the green-eyed man's head and knocked over Kakuzu's carefully organized forms.

"OI! Didn't Deidara tell you to watch it!" Kakuzu unraveled his arms and tried to tie the violent Hidan down. Roaring, Hidan spun his weapon on Kakuzu and chopped the extending hands off.

Kakuzu ran to reattach his flopping extremities, "I'll get you for that, BEEP-head! BEEP! Now you got me doing it!" Kakuzu ducked Hidan's scythe then kicked at his partner. The kick missed and instead hit Deidara in the head.

"If you two don't settle down, I'll shove my clay down both your throats, un," shouted Deidara as he watched the two men wrestle each other to the ground, "Give the rest of us some peace and quiet!"

Hidan and Kakuzu pulled away from each other to silently agree on a truce. They both jumped the Deidara from behind, knocking him out of his chair and pushing all the papers to the ground. The blond Akatsuki growled angrily as he worked his exploding clay in his hands.

"I warned you, un!"

Deidara threw some clay spiders at Hidan, who swung his scythe like a bat and redirected them straight for Kisame before they detonated in the shark-nin's face.

Kisame fell backwards in his chair, screaming and clutching at his burned face, "BEEP! BEEP! That BEEP-ing hurts, man! I can't BEEP-ing see. Itachi, can ya' get those stupid BEEP-holes!"

Itachi calmly watched his partner writhe on the ground in pain and sucked on his teeth in thought, "Hmmm, why not... I was getting bored anyways." The Uchiha whipped out his arsenal of shuriken and thew them into the bunch of quarreling men

Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara were alternating slicing, choking, and dodging as they scrapped inside the waiting room. Tables went flying over as shields and chairs were broken for impromptu weapons. Itachi was having fun making choice shots at his colleagues, hitting a cheek here or cutting a leg there.

As the others were either fighting or rolling around griping about silly flesh wounds, Sasori calmly pushed through his paperwork, being careful to duck the occasional leg or shuriken. It wouldn't be long, if he could just finish these forms in this very last folder, then he'd be reincarnated back to Earth. It didn't matter if he found himself a tiny little insignificant ant crawling across a tile floor about to be crushed by a stylish high heel. It had to be better than this!

"THAT'S IT, UN!"

Sasori looked up then gave a tired sigh as he recognized his partner's ultimate bomb jutsu start to erupt.

"What," sneered Hidan as he and the others watched Deidara's body change, "We're already dead what the BEEP do you BEEP-ing think that's gonna d-"

BOOM!

Hidan woke up back in the darkness of Purgatory's hallway, "Oh."

Everybody patted their bodies down to check for injuries then looked at each other over. A highly annoyed Sasori stood in front of the group, arms crossed and foot tapping.

The redhead stared the sheepish shinobi down, "May I suggest a truce. So we can finish our paperwork in a timely manner or we'll keep ending up here instead of back down there."

The other Akatsuki nodded in agreement and let Sasori take the lead into the office. As the puppet-master pushed open the office door, he eager looked forward to filling out the very last form before heading straight for "Reincarnation".

Gladys didn't bother looking up from her nail buffing as a lazy smile curled on her over-rouged lips, "Welcome back, fellas! Have a nice break?"

While the others looked around to see the office all cleaned up and the pink-haired bitch completely unharmed, one redheaded puppeteer angrily glared down at his table to see five more forms on his murder file and one new full folder for 'Disturbing The Peace in a Celestial Office'.

The other five Akatsuki backed away from the shaking Sasori as several months of intense diligence and strong self-control finally snapped.

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP it all to hell! You BEEP-ing mother-BEEP-ing sons of BEEP-ches! I am going to BEEP-ing kill every single BEEP-ing one of you! F-BEEP! Fu-BEEP! Fuc-BEEP!"

Even Hidan raised an eyebrow to hear the redhead's swearing start to outpace the Celestial Censor and shook a shaming finger, "Tsk, tsk Sasori. Now you've got eleven more papers to fill out."

"Argh! BEEP!"


	2. Chapter 2

AN: This is complete and total crack fiction. So don't stress over the order of deaths or that Konan is in Purgatory and all the other canon stuff.

Just check your brain in with the cute coat check girl and enjoy the story!

Ain't Karma A Bitch! Part Deux

Chapter Two

Cold eyes searched the darkness of a strange hallway and turned to see a tall form lumbering towards her. The kunoichi stiffened until she recognized the distinct shape of her fellow Akatsuki member.

"Zetsu," she narrowed her icy eyes at him, "Why aren't you in the Land of Fire?"

The half-man, half-plant nodded as he stood beside her, "I don't know, Konan-san. I could have sworn I was about to take out that Leaf shinobi, but then I woke up here. Must have been roaming this hall for a while, but I only found this door to be the way out."

Zetsu's voice changed as his other personality asserted itself, "There ain't shit around here so, we better find out what the hell happened!"

The pale woman peered at the door and nodded, "The door it is then."

The former grass ninja stepped ahead and opened the door for his superior, to reveal a office lobby filled with tables, chairs, and...

"Akatsuki," said the blue kunoichi and all the men spun around in their chairs when they heard the familiar apathetic voice.

Zetsu peered around Konan and smiled, "Well, well, well... I think we have a better understanding of what's going on."

"Yeah," shouted his other half, "We're DEAD! Dead as a doorknob! Kicked the bucket! Pushing up daisies! We fucking snuffed it!"

The man-plant would have continued on his tirade if Konan hadn't turned around and glared into his soul.

"Right, dead," he finished lamely.

When the two newcomers stepped further into the room, they heard a nasally voice call out to them.

"Konan! Zetsu! Please come to the front desk. You're files are here, ready and waiting."

As both shinobi walked past the long since dead men, Konan gave each of them a piercing stare. Deidara, Sasori, and Kakuzu all flinched under her scrutiny while Kisame merely nodded in deferment. Hidan did his usual leer, making Konan glare all the harder, but the Uchiha just sat there with a blank and faraway look on his face. It was obvious the kid was deep in thought, but the blue kunoichi walked on by, ignoring him as always.

Konan and Zetsu walked up to the front desk to find a pink-haired secretary, popping her equally pink bubble gum at them.

"Love the hair, hon," said Gladys as she waved a finger at Konan's do, "What do you use? Permanent or glaze?"

"Mother Nature," the kunoichi replied dryly, "You said something about files?"

The secretary nodded, stood up from her desk, and dumped a boatload of papers into the shinobi's arms, "Yup! Here they are. Welcome to Purgatory. Just to fill out all these forms in triplicate then turn them in for processing. When you're done, a suitable afterlife will be chosen for you according to the information you provide. You can call me Gladys. Maureen's in the break room right now, but you can meet her later. If you need any help, please hesitate to ask. The bathroom is over there and there are pens at the tables."

Gladys was about to sit back down when her computer screen flashed and beeped at her. Everyone stopped what they were doing to watch the pink secretary give Zetsu a glance, rush to the back then return with an apprehensive look on her face.

"Wowzer," she said while walking up to Zetsu, "It's been a while since I've had to pull one of these out... Not since the Donner Party came in. Here ya' go." She placed the big red folder on top of his files and sat back down in her chair.

The Grass nin gave Konan a sheepish grin then shuffled off to find an empty seat next to the studious Sasori, who was only half a folder away from finishing.

Konan turned with the enormous stack in her arms and peered around to look at the other Akatsuki.

Hidan quickly kicked Kakuzu out of his chair and pulled it out for the kunoichi, "Hey baby, lookin' good. I see you kept the piercing. Nice... You can sit over here next to me!"

"BEEP-in BEEP," shouted Kakuzu, but he quickly picked up his paperwork with his strings including the new ones and moved next to Deidara.

Itachi frowned at the grinning Hidan then looked over at his partner, "Move."

Wincing at the trouble of getting up, Kisame glanced between Itachi and the blue kunoichi, "Bros before hos?"

The Uchiha switched his eyes into the Mangekyou, "Move."

"Okay, okay," Kisame jumped out of his chair and scooped up his files, "Sheesh! Konan-san appears and suddenly, he's all 'Romantic'. Bleh."

Itachi stood up and gracefully waved a hand at the still warm seat, "Konan-san?"

The blue kunoichi rolled her icy eyes and sighed, "I have better things to do than play musical chairs with you losers." She placed her stacks on the nearest table and ran through her jutsu.

Her body peeled and folded away into millions of butterflies that slipped between the stacks, merging with the paperwork.

As the rest of Akatsuki gaped at the fluttering stacks, Kisame wasn't sure, but he thought he saw Itachi give the tiniest sigh, "Of all the kunoichi to fall for, he had to fall for Pein's girl. Baka!"

After a few minutes, the butterflies realigned and created the cold Konan once more.

She picked up her finished files and curtly placed them on Gladys' desk, "There. All done and perfectly organized. Is there anything else you require?"

"Oh my," said Gladys as she rifled through the files, "I must say that is impressive. That must be in record time! Just let me take this to Maureen in the back and we'll see if we can get you to Earth."

The blue kunoichi gave the other woman a short bow, "Thank you much, Gladys. I'll wait right here."

"Hey," said Deidara hopefully, "Do you think you can do that with my papers. Just ask what you need then fill it out for me. It won't take long. See, I'm almost done, un!"

Konan turned and sighed, "Do your own homework, lazy bum."

Gladys came trotting back in and sat down at her desk,"Maureen was so excited! It had been a while since she got some real work besides filing. You know, our department is always looking for more help. This job has a lot of perks."

The pinkette looked over at Itachi and gave him a flirty wave. Konan watched the young man wince and stand a file on it's end to hide.

Unperturbed, Gladys chuckled and turned back to the blue kunoichi, "Instead of going back to Earth, you could stay here as a celestial employee."

Konan took a moment to think. She could remain and wait for Pein, but then he would definitely head straight to Earth without her. Would it be worth it to reunite with her partner? She glanced back at the rest of Akatsuki where Hidan and Itachi were obviously waiting for a chance to fulfill their fantasies.

'Sex ain't that good,' Konan turned back to Gladys, "Thank you for the offer, but I'll take my chances with Reincarnation."

"Very well then," the secretary pulled out a clipboard and flipped up some pages, "I just need you to initial here, here, and over there, then sign at the bottom where the 'X' is."

Konan quickly finished the very last piece of paperwork and handed the pen back.

Gladys smiled, "And now I'll bring up the list of available lives you qualify for..." She brought up the page on her computer and pointed to the top line, "I am pleased to announce that your new life will begin as a Konohakagure Fire Ant! Congratulations!"

There was a moment of shocked silence, followed by a small snickering coming from Zetsu's direction.

"An ant," Konan pursed her lips into a frown, "A stupid ant."

Gladys raised a finger, "Ah, a Konoha Fire Ant, but since you filled out the non-compulsory forms you have the option of choosing the following life, which is an APHID to the same ant colony in Konohakagure."

Deidara scratched his head, "What's an aphid again, un?"

Zetsu's polite side stopped his giggling and asserted itself, "An aphid is the ant world equivalent of a cow. They're meticulously cared for by the ants for their honeydew, which is excreted from the anus whenever an ant massages their backs."

Konan paled as she imagined life with ant antennae stroking her back while the sweet sticky substances ooze out her ass.

Kisame cupped a hand to his mouth, "Moo! Moo-oooo!"

Sensing Konan's hesitancy, Gladys pointed out, "The life an ant is relatively care free and you're sure to earn brownie points with the higher powers. Life of an insect will most definitely get you back among the human race in the next life. Your non-compulsory forms automatically set you up from having to end up back at Purgatory. And from what I read here, it'll be a very pampered life too. With the best food, comfortable accommodations, even daily massages for your tired muscles just for doing nothing all day."

Konan sighed and nodded, "Very well. I accept."

Gladys smiled as she readied her computer, "Alright then. One way ticket to Earth for Miss Konan!

With a smug smile, Konan stood in front of Gladys and waited as the secretary's fingers flew across the keyboard before hitting "Enter".

As the kunoichi's body disintegrated into a shimmering cloud of chakra, Konan felt that she owed her fellow Akatsuki a parting gift.

This was the first time the Akatsuki witnessed a person finish the reincarnation process and the boys watched from behind with curious faces.

Their curiosity changed abruptly when Konan raised one hand up and gave them the middle finger salute.

"OI," shouted a pissed off Kakuzu, "That qualifies for another file!"

But before anyone could do anything, the kunoichi was gone.

"That stuck up blue BEEP," spat Sasori, one green eye twitched as another paper appeared in the air.

Kakuzu groaned as he returned to his files, "No kidding. Man, why does she always get the breaks!"

Itachi narrowed his eyes when he realized what had been bothering him, "You said that Konan would be reincarnated a second time 'Among' the human race. You didn't say she would be a human again."

"Cute and smart," Gladys winked at Itachi, who responded with a tiny shudder, "Yeah, she's already set up to return to earth as a Japanese Wa-gyu."

A huge grin grew on Hidan's face as he and Kakuzu exchanged looks.

Deidara scratched at his blond hair, "Wag-who, un?"

"Wa-gyu! It's a COW," Kakuzu leaned back in his chair all the while chuckling happily, "And not just any cow... The most expensive and finest marbled beef steak Japan can offer!"

"Konan kobe beef seasoned and seared to perfection," An evil Hidan brought his fingers to his lips and threw a chef's kiss in the air, "Mmmmwah!"

Everybody grinned in satisfaction except Sasori who drummed his fingers on the table and brought up a disconcerting thought, "Are we all going to end up as insects as well?"

Gladys shrugged as she looked down the list, "Maybe better, maybe worse. It depends on how you lived your life, the next available slot, and how accurately you fill out your forms." She looked through the next five slots ranging from an aphid, a blow fish, a shark, a frog, and a bikouchuu beetle.

"Well," she said aloud, "The next available lives you guys qualify range from insects to aquatic animals."

"Gladys, dear you're not supposed to give out confidential information," came a familiar voice from the back room.

Gladys winced then gave the guys a wink, "Don't worry Maureen. They would've figured it out sooner or later! OH, and we have a new guest. Zetsu, wasn't it."

The Akatsuki heard the clicking and clacking of high heels coming down the hall, then a blond beehive poke out from around the corner.

"Yipe!" Hidan ducked under the table, all the while muttering curses to himself.

Zetsu wondered why Hidan's 'Swearing' pile kept growing, while the rest of Akatsuki cringed into their stacks. He peered at the blond hair-do bob outside the room.

"Hello... nice to meet you, Maureen," he stood up in his seat and ventured a look at this new secretary, "Why are you hiding?"

A sly grin grew on Gladys' face and she waved a hand at the former Grass nin, "Go on ahead, dearie. She won't bite. Hey Maureen, why don't you take our new friend to the Back Room for some snacks."

"Don't do it, man," warned Kakuzu.

"Zetsu, Zetsu," Hidan whispered harshly, attempting to get they guy's attention, "BEEP! You don't want to go! Don't you hear me, BEEP it!

Itachi just shrugged, "Some have to learn the hard way."

"Like you," pointed out Kisame, earning him a cold glare.

Deidara and Sasori shook their heads in pity was they watched curiosity kill the plant. All of them saw a hand reach out from behind a corner, take the polite Zetsu by the hand, and lead him away to the mysterious Back Room With Snacks.

Then they waited... And waited... And waited...

Sasori just started working on the second to the last page of his very last file when Zetsu returned looking very happy.

"Mmmm," they heard him mumble as he licked his fingers and lips, "Interesting flavor. Tastes just like chicken."

Huge grins filled the Akatsuki faces as they watched Zetsu return to his seat. Kakuzu stared in disbelief that the man actually dared to commit such an atrocity here and now. On the other hand, Hidan was practically hopping up and down in his chair.

Gladys glanced at Zetsu's cannibalism folder and quickly stood up from her desk, "Maureen, hon? Are you alright? MAUREEEEN?" The Akatsuki held back their laughter until the pink secretary disappeared down the hallway.

"HA HA! I'm free! I'm free," Hidan jumped up on his table and swung his scythe in jubilee, "I'm BEEP-en free!

Itachi leaned over and gave Zetsu a serious look, "I'll fill out three of your folders, if you make room for some pink dessert."

"Who wants dessert," trilled Maureen's voice from behind the men.

"BEEP! BEEP! Oh my BEEP-en god!" Five freaked out men swore profusely, jumped to the ceiling, and grasped at their chests in terror.

They looked back at the far end of the office and saw a push cart come through the front door, piled high with delicious food.

"Holy BEEP," shouted Hidan and pointed at the bouncing beehive from behind a tall donut tower, "BEEP! Seriously, You're supposed to be BEEP-en digestin' inside fuck'n Zetsu!"

Kisame and Itachi blinked at each other, "Hey," said the shark-man, "We heard that one!"

"Huh?" Hidan looked around then up at the corner ceiling. Above the men, the Celestial Censor box was buzzing and sparking with a coil bouncing out one side.

Hidan shrugged, "I guess we broke it."

Kakuzu shook his head, "Uh uh, you broke it. We ain't helping you pay for this one!"

"Too late, un" grumbled Deidara and held up the new form for a Breaking Celestial Property.

Sasori looked down and groaned as he started in on his new form and 'Swearing' file.

The push cart squeaked as Maureen directed it through the middle aisle then stopped in front of Zetsu, "There you are, love. After you cleaned out the Break Room, I went back to Earth for more lovely food, but I bought so much, I had to go through the front door instead of the back!"

Five pairs of eyes nearly popped out of their eye sockets to see perfect skin and shiny blue eyes.

Zetsu looked up from his files and smiled politely, "That was very kind of you, Maureen.

Hidan's jaw had dropped open and his scythe swung freely on one side. Unable to keep his eyes off of Maureen, he stepped off the table and onto the floor.

"Yeah, baby," said the other side of Zetsu, "I think I can make some more room."

As Zetsu and Maureen walked through the aisle, Hidan was following right behind the blond like a horny dog. He knelt low to get a good look at her perfect ass then back up to look up and around at the secretary's hour-glass figure that would make a porn star jealous. He finally stopped sniffing around Maureen when she and Zetsu turned into the hall leading to the Break Room.

Hidan stepped back in the lobby and pointed to the trolley pushing woman, "She's a babe! The old bitch is a fucking hot babe!"

Gladys came down the hall and into the office lobby, "Glad to see you were just out shoppin', Maureen! Hello, Blondie! Is something botherin ya'?"

"Yeah! How does a sixty year old bitty get a body like that," shouted Hidan, "I could have sworn when I saw liver spots on that arm before!"

The pink secretary smiled and sat down, "Oh that! Well, that's one of the perks of working in Purgatory. We get to choose how old we look. The last time you saw Maureen, her illusion was on the fritz. As you can see, it's working now."

She turned to where Itachi was carefully watching her and waved her nail file at him, "I can see the little wheels in your head churning like mad, handsome! And you're right, I don't look my age. Why don't all of ya' guess? I'll take a page off one of your files if you get it right."

Deidara shrugged, "Twenty-five?"

She chuckled and waved for them to go higher.

"Thirty-five," ventured Sasori.

"Fifty," said Kisame, "Just like the Godaime of the Leaf Village!"

"Actually, last I heard, the Hokage was getting on to sixty," said Hidan.

Much to Itachi's dismay, Gladys shook her head the entire time, "Nope. Sorry, you're all wrong! I'm a hundred and twenty-three!"

The men openly appraised the secretary as she proudly patted her down pink hair.

"My my, Itachi," Sasori turned to the paling Uchiha, "You boffed someone who makes my Chiyo-baasan look like a spring chicken!"

While the others jeered and teased Itachi, Kakuzu was rolling around a piece of information inside his head and leaned to Deidara, "Hey, that Maureen chick said there was a back door out of here. Maybe we can use it to break out and head back to Earth."

Deidara frowned, "But we don't know what we'll end up like?"

"Or we can end up just like ourselves," urged Kakuzu.

"What are you two whispering about," asked Hidan as he popped up between the other two.

"We're gonna make a break for it through the back door," replied Deidara.

Hidan nodded, "I am so there. Hey, Itachi," the blond shinobi walked over to the depressed Uchiha and whispered in his ear with Kisame leaning in.

The man straightened up and nodded, "I'm in."

Kisame also nodded, "What about you, Sasori?"

The redhead frowned as Deidara whispered their plan into his ear, "NO! I am too close to finishing and further more, if you guys try something, I get punished too. I'm not doing it."

"What's that hun," said Gladys as she looked up from polishing her nails.

"Uh, nothing. Nice shade of polish," muttered the puppet master then turned to his comrades, "Don't do it. At least, not yet! Please, wait until I'm done."

Kakuzu shrugged, "You got five minutes, give or take a few seconds."

He raised his voice and waved a hand, "Uh hey, Gladys! You know, I'm feeling a bit peckish and I'm sure some of the guys here a little hungry too."

"Yeah," said Deidara with a wink, "We sure would like to taste some that food in the Break Room, un."

Gladys smiled without looking up from her nails, "Why didn't you say so, hon! Go on ahead. Just follow the hall and the Break Room is on your right. Ya' can't miss it!"

Hissing, Sasori urgently dove into his paperwork, his pencil working its way down the pages like crazy. The rest of Akatsuki grinned at him as they walked around Sasori and past the clueless secretary.

The puppet master rushed through his last papers as fast as his wooden fingers would let him before the bakas could get him in more trouble.

The escaping shinobi glanced into the Break Room to see Zetsu being happily hand fed by a beautiful sixty year old Maureen. Shaking their heads, they crept past the door and walked up to the one door that shimmered with an ethereal glow.

"Looks like this is it," said Kakuzu.

Hidan looked at his partner, "Are you sure?"

Itachi rolled his onyx eyes, "The sign over the top of the door is a good hint."

The others looked up at the hand painted sign with graceful calligraphy showing the word, "EARTH."

A few seconds before the four men stepped through the back door, Sasori scrambled to gather his stacks to Gladys, who was blowing her nails dry.

"I'm all done," he practically shouted and rushed to the front desk, "Don't bother getting up. I'll take these straight to Maureen. She's in the Break Room, right!"

The there was a flash of light and thunder throughout the entire office and the front door opened with four grinning shinobi running inside.

"The FUCK," shouted Hidan, "How did we end up back here?"

Maureen and Zetsu ran into the lobby with confused expressions.

"Did they do what I think they just did," asked Maureen and waved a hand at the four men shuffling their feet.

Gladys sighed and stood up from her chair. She opened up a drawer and pulled out six folders labeled "Attempting to Reincarnate Without Clearance." Then she handed each man one folder, including Sasori and Zetsu, who merely shrugged and went back to work.

"I have to say, fellas," said the pink secretary, "You are persistent!"

Frustrated, Sasori dropped his papers on the floor and threw himself down to beg at Gladys' feet, "Why? Why? I was here the whole time. I had nothing to do with it. You saw me!" If Sasori could cry, he would have.

Gladys cooed as she pat his red hair, "Oh poor baby. I'm sorry, it's not my job to decide whether or not who gets what forms... the files just appear on my desk. I just hand them out. But as far as I can tell your problem is 'Implication by Association'."

Kisame shrugged as he started back on his files, "Sucks for you to be in Akatsuki, huh."

Then with an idea popping over her head, Gladys straightened up and licked her red lips, "But uh, I could always make that new file a little lighter. And since I'm seducing you, there's no extra paperwork." And gave him a saucy wink.

Everyone stared, even Maureen, as they waited for the redhead to make a decision. Kakuzu, who could stick his threads in his ears, along with Zetsu, who had absolutely no idea what this woman's voice could do, were giving Sasori two thumbs up. Deidara, Kisame, Hidan, and especially Itachi were waving their hands while shaking their heads.

"No, no, don't do it," they whispered.

"Come on...," whispered Gladys, "I'll give you a tour of the Back Room?"

"Uuuuhhh, I can't." the puppet master's green eyes flickered nervously as he tried to explain a way out of the situation, "I don't have the 'Equipment' anymore."

Aside from the whooshing static coming from the now defunct Censor, there was absolute silence encompassing the office. Even Gladys and Maureen were too shocked to say anything. The rest of the Akatsuki stared in horror that the puppet master would go that far to replace everything.

"Fuck'n hell," Hidan smoothly picked the paper floating in the air and placed it on top of the others, "And I thought I had a problem with missing body parts."

Deidara chuckled in satisfaction, "Who's the girl now, Sasori-danna... un!"

Kisame sneered with his sharp teeth glinting in the light, "Someone was a little over enthusiastic with the soldering iron, huh."

Sasori winced as he tried to come up with an excuse, "I lost it in a fight with Orochimaru and couldn't find a replacement."

"Are you sure it was a fight, un," quipped Deidara with a grin.

"Sasori, if you were that hard up for parts, you should have said something," admonished Kakuzu, "I wasn't the official Akatsuki medic for nothing."

Zetsu had his head on the table with one hand banging on the surface, "Bwahahahaha! The great Sasori-sama of the Red Sands is anatomically incorrect!"

Then he straightened up with a slight frown on the pale side of his face, "That's not nice. The poor man probably hasn't gotten lucky in over a decade."

"Explains why he didn't think he needed it anymore," murmured Itachi as he returned to his paperwork.

Gladys pouted for a moment, but then perked right back up, "That's okay, hon'! We'll just get CREATIVE!"

The puppet master looked at the new stack of forms on his table, then at the secretary already putting on a fresh coat of lipstick. Every minute he stayed with these bakas, was a minute closer to more paperwork and another day away from freedom.

"I... I guess we can give it a go?"

Gladys squealed happily and grabbed the redhead by one arm.

And with his grinning comrades waving pitiful bye bye's, the Great Pink Maneater dragged a nervous Sasori down the hall and into the dreaded Break Room.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own Naruto nor make any money from this.

Pein's little temper tantrum was inspired by The Offspring's "Come Out And Play", an Akatsuki song if ever I heard one. I could definitely see Tobi popping up and singing, "Ya gotta keep 'em separated."

Enjoy!

Ain't Karma A Bitch: 3

Black shaggy hair covered the face of a pale young man who examined the darkened hallway before him. The last thing the Akatsuki leader remembered, he was in the midst of a heated battle with the Kyuubi jinchuuriki and things were going to plan. Then it all started going south.

Blinking in confusion, the young man peered from behind the mess of black hair to see a simple-looking door in front of him with a "P" on the plated sign. Stepping forward, he was about to knock on the door when her heard a happy-go-lucky call out to him from behind.

"Ahhh, Pein-san! I didn't expect to see you so soon. How nice," Tobi came bounding from behind the surprised young man. The mysterious nin's infectious cheer could be seen through the flowing Akatsuki cloak and orange swirly mask.

Pein looked around to see if any more Akatsuki were going to magically appear then turned to nod respectfully to Tobi, "Madara-sama, why are you here?"

The nin cocked his head to one side and shrugged, "Shit happens, Pein-san! Why don't we go inside and see if anyone else is here!"

The young man was about to ask Tobi if he knew exactly where "Here" was, when the hyper shinobi kicked the door to reveal a strange waiting room filled with tables and chairs. The occupants of these chairs swung around in their seats when they heard the entrance burst open.

The masked shinobi searched the room filled with surprised Akatsuki to recognize one guy in particular, the one who would always hold a special place in his heart, "DEIDARA-SENPAI!"

"Oh fuck no!" The blonde man cringed as he spun back around and dumped his head into the paperwork. A Swearing form popped in mid-air to lightly land on top of his head. Shaking his blond head, Deidara growled and put it with the others.

Pein stepped through the doorway and nearly knocked over a tall ladder set up next to a wall.

"Careful, son," said a man in white overalls and workman's cap, "I'm still working on this box here, so don't tip me over."

The young man was about to automatically go into his speech that he was "God" and that he could do whatever the hell he wanted. Then cold logic reminded him that like all the other Akatsuki before him, he was quite dead.

'And Gods aren't supposed to die,' grimaced the no longer delusional young man. A migraine immediately seared through his brain and the Akatsuki leader's hands gripped his head in an effort to keep under control. Staring at their slightly unstable Leader, everyone glanced at one another, making a silent agreement to stay out of Pein's way when the young man went totally insane.

Ignoring Pein's megalomania obvious struggle with Nagato's sanity, Tobi trot his way through the aisle and waved happily at the rest of the Akatsuki. When the orange nin walked by, they just gave non-committal grunts of greeting then quickly went back to work.

Kisame leaned over to Itachi, who was respectfully nodding to his elder, "I can't believe Tobi actually survived this long. That is one lucky son of bitch. Dah, man!" Kisame grumbled as he started filling out another Swear form.

The younger Uchiha scoffed as he returned to his files, "Lucky or not, he's still dead."

He eyed the back of the supposedly most powerful Uchiha in shinobi history, 'So much for power, huh, Madara-sama.'

Tobi hopped up to sit on the corner of the table where Deidara was working and made himself comfortable next to his former partner, "Isn't great we're back together again, Senpai?"

The Iwa-nin groaned and rubbed his temples as he felt a huge headache coming on, "Damn it! I was supposed to long gone before he showed up, un."

"Hmmm, Senpai, there seems to be a couple people missing," Tobi's mask twisted back and forth to search the room, "Where are Sasori-sama and Konan-chan?"

Pein's hands pulled from his head and the young man looked around for his teammate, "Konan isn't here?"

"Uh oh," chorused the five shinobi and their eyes started searching for possible emergency shelters.

Then they all heard a pair of footsteps coming down the hall from the back room. One set was the clear clicks of a woman's high heels. The other was the sound of heavy sandals staggering along, occasionally stopping to rest for some unknown reason.

"Are ya' sure you won't take that coffee, hon," echoed a nasally female voice from the hall, "It'd give ya' a nice jolt and wake you up in a jiffy!"

"NO," screamed Sasori as he rushed into the waiting room to see the other Akatsuki staring at him, "I mean... I'm fine without it, Gladys. Thank you." The look of terror was replaced with wooden indifference, as Sasori returned to his seat all the while ignoring Itachi's knowing smirk. The pink-haired secretary sauntered in after Sasori with a slight spring in her step and with a big grin on her face, removed one form from the redhead's folder.

She did a double-take at Tobi and Pein then clapped happily before yelling back down the hall, "Hey Maureen! Look alive, we've got two more souls here. Why don't you come up here, sonny."

Still rubbing his temples, Pein narrowed his co-circular pupils at the strange woman and held his ground while Tobi scooted off the table for the secretary's desk.

"Okay then," shrugged the pink-haired woman, "Sorry for the delay, fellas. Sasori and I were having a private meeting." She blew a kiss at the redhead, who ducked into his paperwork, narrowly avoiding the floating valentine.

"The name's Gladys and that's Maureen in the back," she gave the masked nin a wink then sat down at her desk, "Give me a sec to gather your files then we'll have you on your way."

Nodding amicably, Tobi ran over to the Puppet-master and wiggled a gloved pinky finger, "I didn't know that Sasori-sama had a girlfriend! That must've been some trick you pulled since Little Sasori's been missing for years now."

Most of the Akatsuki burst into a fit of giggles, while the redhead openly gaped and pointed an accusing finger at Tobi, "How the fuck did you know that? Did you tell him?" Sasori glared at a stone-faced Itachi, who merely rolled his eyes in annoyance. Then the furious redhead turned to Kisame, Kakuzu, and Hidan.

All three shook their heads while Hidan sneered, "Like we'd tell the world that one of the Akatsuki is a dickless wonder. If some outsider found out, we'd never live the shame down!"

"Well," spoke up the repairman as he climbed down the ladder, "I just need to get replacements for some of these wires from my workshop then I'll get outta your hair." He spared Sasori a pitying glance before walking past a frowning Pein and out of the waiting room.

With his humiliation complete, Sasori dropped his head onto the table, but had to straighten back up when Tobi tapped him on the back.

The orange nin handed one more paper to the redhead, "I believe this is yours, Sasori-sama!"

"Perfect! Just fu-", Catching himself in time, the poor man took a deep breath to keep his temper under control and snatched the form, "Just perfect!" He quickly scribbled through the last three forms in record time and placed it on his enormous finished pile.

"Done!" Sasori made several trips to shove all the files onto the secretary's desk and just as he placed the last paper there was a distinct ping from her monitor followed by the ominous sound of the computer winding down.

Gladys hit a few keys and pressed the restart button only to hold up empty hands, "Oh sorry, hun. Don't know what happened, but the system went down and we'll have to wait for the problem to be fixed."

The redhead gaped at the shrugging woman, "You can't be serious!"

A blond beehive peeked from around the corner of the hallway, "Looks like you'll have to make a call to IT, luv!"

"I know, Maureen, I know," groaned Gladys, "Man! I hate those guys!"

"What about him, un," piped up Deidara, "He's a repairman." Everyone looked for the man in white overalls who had yet to return from his workshop.

The pink-haired woman shook her head as she cradled the phone on her neck, "Ah nah, hun. He's just a regular repairman. We need IT to fix this problem."

Tobi scratched the dark hair sticking out from his mask, "What's IT?"

"Information Technology," piped up Maureen nonchalantly, "They're supposed to be basic computer support."

Gladys snickered into the receiver, "I wish! As far as I'm concerned IT stands for Infernal Torment. Who do you think invented these blasted things?"

"This can't be happening," whispered Sasori as he stared into space for a few seconds then threw his hands in the air, "I can't believe this IS HAPPENING!" He spun back around and began shouting at the dark monitor.

"You god-damn stupid piece of shit! How could you fucking die on me now," The redhead screamed a continuous stream of obscenities while all the Akatsuki glanced at one another. They calmly sat from behind Sasori's tirade and noticed there was a distinct lack of Swearing forms that should be appearing around the Puppet-master.

Hidan smirked happily, "Well, alright! It's about time I caught a break and now we can curse all we want!"

Kakuzu sighed impatiently and kept on writing, "Hidan, you realize that you've stopped swearing entirely... Even when you knew that you could."

"Seriously?" Hidan scratched his white blond hair and started throwing out words, "Heck! Fudge! Sugar! Awww man." The poor man repeatedly slapped his forehead in frustration to find that his brain had been completely rewired.

Everyone turned back to Sasori who was now channeling the old Hidan, "Sure you work when that super-bitch was here, but when it's my damn turn, you fucking roll over and play dead!" Sasori swung a furious fist in the air and dropped it on top of the CPU.

There was a soft rumble from the box that grew steadily as the fans started up and everyone smiled to see the screen light up once more.

"ALRIGHT!" Sasori raised his hands in triumph and looked up in time to see a snowstorm of papers dump right on his head. All the Akatsuki quietly watched a huge pile of files accumulate over Sasori, burying him completely in his own words with palms sticking out of the top.

Hidan gave Kakuzu a happy slap on the back, "This time it wasn't me!"

Ignoring the buried Sasori who was openly crying into his papers, Gladys perked up and turned her attention back to the job. She reached into her file cabinet and dumped a couple of stacks on her desk.

"Now that we're back online, just let me officially welcome ya' fellas to Purgatory. The both of you will need to fill out these forms in triplicate then turn them in for processing. When you're done a suitable afterlife will be chosen for you according to the information provided. The others can show you where the bathroom is and if you need a snack there's back room down the hall. Let's see, first I have files for a... Tobi, is it? Hmmm, for some reason there's this other name on the label."

"Thank you so much, Gladys," interrupted the masked nin as he scooped up the files and hurried to a seat next to Deidara, "I'll get to work right away. See, Tobi's a good boy!"

The pink secretary smiled sweetly at the shinobi, "Yes, you are dearie. And now I have files for Nagato-and-or-Pein. My, my, my, today is full of aliases!"

The lonely "Leader" had been contemplating his options since he entered the lobby and when he realized that he had none, walked up the aisle to have Gladys dump a load of files into his arms.

"Woman..."

Not quite believing their ears, everyone looked up from their writing to see Pein glaring down Gladys, who frowned and snapped her gum, "Ya'... Sssonny."

"I demand to know where Konan is," Pein ignored the gasps followed by harsh whispering from behind and waited for the secretary to answer.

Already irritated at the outright disrespect, Gladys slowly blew out a pink bubble as she contemplated whether or not to tell this nutter anything.

Noticing the frantic reactions of his fellow Akatsuki and the threatening glare Gladys was giving Pein, Tobi hopped up from his seat to diffused the dangerous situation, "Awww Leader-sama, you must really miss Konan-chan. I always thought you had a soft spot for the girl."

Hearing Tobi's sentiment, Gladys tilted her head in amusement, "Well I didn't peg you for a romantic, but lucky for you, I am. Miss Konan has already finished her paperwork and was sent back to Earth for her next life."

"She's gone," Pein's voice softened ever so slightly, "Konan left without me?"

Zetsu spoke up with comforting words, "She didn't have much choice, Leader-sama. It was either reincarnation or staying here with Hidan and Itachi hitting on her all the time."

Chairs went screeching across the floor as Deidara, Sasori, Kisame, and Kakuzu grabbed whatever papers they could before making a beeline for the back room. Poor Hidan and Itachi found themselves frozen in their seats, fearful that if they so much as twitched a muscle a whole new world of PEIN would be unleashed upon them.

As Pein stood quietly to fully contemplate what he had just heard, Tobi curiously watched the others flee down the hall and looked over at Zetsu, who was having a one-sided conversation with his other half.

"Look, you had to open your big fat mouth," said his dark side as he picked up the files, "Now it's time to get the fuck out of here!"

His lighter side sighed as he picked up a new paper that popped in front of him then walked down the hall, "I was only trying to help."

"Yeah, the next time you wanna help, un," Deidara's shouts could be heard from the break room, "Shut yer' trap!"

Gladys got up from her chair and yelled down the hall, "Hey Maureen! This looks like it's gonna be fun. Get the popcorn going!"

Tobi calmly stood up and trotted over to the secretary's desk, "Oh that sounds good right about now. May I join you?" Gladys smiled and waved for him to pull a chair next to her.

When he finally came to a decision, Pein replaced his files on the closest table and turned around. The pitch black hair may have been covering his strange eyes, but Itachi and Hidan could feel the cold fury emanating from the unstable man. The young Uchiha wisely remained stoic, already planning the next forty maneuvers to save his hide from being carved inside and out. On the other hand, Hidan was twitching in his chair, ready to take off at a moment's notice.

True to form, the slighted alpha male focused on the fidgeting shinobi who was freaking from Pein's imminent attack, "How dare you... How dare either one of you to sully 'God's Angel' with your worthless pick ups and pathetic fawning!"

Hidan rose of his chair and waved his palms in a placating manner, "Come on, Leader-sama! You know me. I'm always horny as a dog. Stupid me will hit on anything with boobs and a skirt-""

"Good idea," Pein lifted a hand and summoned a shinobi that brought out a three-headed hell hound.

"NO WAIT! I didn't mean it like that," Hidan threw his scythe at the dog. "Fetch Fido," he screamed as he tried to make a run for the bathroom, but was dragged back by a terrifying paw, "Aw Shiiii-iiiit-" The snarling hell hound tossed Hidan around like a chew toy then each head proceeded to tear it's own piece to play with.

Maureen made it in time with the popcorn to catch a bloodied noggin in the huge bowl, "Lookie here, Gladys," said the beehive blond as she held up Hidan's scowling cranium, "I can't remember the last time I got head!"

Tobi cracked up as he lifted Hidan's head in both hands, "That was very rude, Hidan-Senpai! You got blood all over the food. Now Maureen will have to get some more."

"You know he's right, luv. Why don't we go to the back," The blond grinned while picking up the bowl and walked away with Hidan's violet eyes bugging out.

"No," the head pleaded as Maureen carried him to the Back Room, "I beg you. Throw me back to the dogs!"

Now that the annoying foul-mouth out of the way, Pein turned his attention to the real challenge, "Uchiha!"

Itachi's Sharingan was already activated, but he wasn't sure how it would fare against the dreaded Rinnegan, 'Time to find out.'

A bald shinobi with eyes matching it's master's appeared, lifted his left arm and fired it at Itachi. The young Uchiha flickered and dodged the flying arm rocketing around the room.

Gladys squealed happily to see Itachi dance about the lobby, displaying why he was a shinobi worthy of so many murder files, "Woo! You go, handsome! Uh oh." She and Tobi ducked when the arm-missile missed Itachi and headed straight for them.

Maureen hurried into the lobby with fresh popcorn in one hand and Hidan's head in the other, "What'd I miss?" Tobi jumped onto Maureen helping her narrowly dodge Pein's missile jutsu, but knocking the "Immortal" shinobi's head back into the fray.

"Careful Itachi, watch the hair! Watch the hair!" The young Uchiha could care less about Hidan, but he needed room to move so he gave the screaming head a kick right into the middle mouth of the three headed dog.

Tobi popped up for second to raise both arms, "GOOOAL", before diving down to avoid the arm-missile again.

After the dog gulped down the screaming head, the bits and pieces that once was Hidan dissolved into chakra to be re-assembled outside in the dark hallway.

As fast as Itachi was, he found himself hard pressed to keep up with all the summons attacking him and his genjutsu was rendered useless, because Pein made sure to have his summons avoid looking directly at the young man. Soon the air was filled with dust and broken plaster from the missed hits, allowing the young Uchiha to hide upside down on the ceiling.

'I've got only one shot at this and if it doesn't work, I'm fucked,' Itachi switched his pupils into the Mangekyou then closed his eyes. After a few seconds, his eyes snapped open to release the Amaterasu at the insane Pein. There was a direct blast of black fire from the upper corner, barely giving the Akatsuki leader enough time to call upon one more summon.

When the room cleared from dust and smoke, Pein stood behind a large shinobi that soaked up the powerful jutsu like a sponge.

Itachi pressed his lips into a thin frown, "I'm fucked."

With a bowl of popcorn passing between hands, three heads with pink, black, and blond hair peeked out over the top of the secretary's desk. Tobi, Gladys, and Maureen watched the horrifying scene, wincing in sympathy with each progressing torture Pein put the young Uchiha through.

"I must say," quipped Maureen to Tobi, "Work has been quite exciting since you lads showed up!" The three spectators looked beyond the gory mess that was once Uchiha Itachi when they heard the door open in the midst of Pein's tirade.

Groaning from a massive headache and god-awful memories of a canine digestive system, Hidan stumbled into the lobby only to see a flying fist zone in on him, "Oh shi-"

The arm-missile exploded on contact, sending a blasted Hidan back into the dark hallway. Just before he lost complete consciousness, he barely registered a presence stepping over him and reaching for Purgatory's front door.

"You boys are really good at making a mess," sighed the repairman.

By the time the violet-eyed shinobi woke up, he saw a sulking Itachi picking himself up from the floor.

"Whoa," Hidan rolled over and shakily pushed himself up, "I haven't suffered that much in fuckin' forever... Cool!"

Itachi sent an annoyed glare at the fired up masochist then stared at the lobby door, deciding whether or not to chance entering. The door opened for them anyways and Tobi's head peeked out.

"You can come in now," the masked shinobi waved them inside excitedly, "Maureen gave him something to eat and Pein-san is feeling much better now."

The two men walked inside to see Pein lounging in a chair with his feet on a table and slowly munching on popcorn, while Gladys stroked the Akatsuki leader's dark hair.

"Sonny here was missing his girl. Not to mention, his blood sugar was a little low," Then the pink secretary cooed, "Poor baby was just having a bad day."

"_He_ was having a bad day," squealed Hidan as he pointed to Pein, "What about us?"

"He had to take it out on somebody," shrugged Gladys and went back to her desk, handing a flabbergasted Itachi and Hidan folders for "Disturbing the Peace in a Celestial Office".

Noticing the lack of destructive noises, the rest of the Akatsuki trickled into the lobby with curious looks on their faces.

"We just got our new folders, un," said Deidara as everybody sat down in their regular seats, "So we figured it was safe to come back."

Kakuzu looked around the restored office and gave the man in white overalls a nod, "You're good. It sure would've been nice to have someone else give me the patch up job when I needed it."

Placing a filled out form onto the finished pile, Kisame sneered at the Waterfall shinobi, "I heard what the Leaf nin did to ya' and not even the Godaime could patch you up!"

Working hard to keep his temper under control, Kakuzu had to settle with glaring and flipping off the Mist nin.

"Well, I'm done here, Gladys," said the repairman as he screwed the speaker back together, "Just let me hit the switch and I'll head out. The speaker might be a tiny bit noisy, but leave it alone and everything will work itself out."

Itachi raised a suspicious eyebrow when he noticed the repairman put in some earplugs before turning on the Celestial Censor.

The repairman flipped the switch and quickly walk out the door with ladder in tow. Everyone watched the box crackle and sputter before it decided to make up for lost time.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

All the Akatsuki threw their arms over their ears in an effort to block the high pitched wailing, while Gladys sighed and pulled headphones over her pink hair. Kakuzu followed her example and unraveled his strings to stick into his ears, before returning to work.

"Someone shut that thing up," yelled Kisame.

Deidara noticed the shark nin shouting something, but had a little trouble reading the guy's lips, "What, un? What did you say?'

Kisame tried again, "I said for someone to get that fucking thing to shut up!"

Deidara shook his head, "Sorry, Kisame! I just can't hear you. Someone needs to shut that fucking thing up, un!"

"Look," yelled Sasori to his partner after finishing another file, "It's going to keep going until it's finished censoring all the swear words since Hidan broke it! Each new curse is going to make this last longer! All you have to do is shut up!"

"What did you say, Sasori-sama" shouted Tobi, who for some odd reason was just happily sitting in his chair and not covering his ears like everyone else, "That shitty thing is just too fucking loud!"

Both Sasori and Deidara wanted to jump out of their seats and strangle the cheerful dude, but that would have left their eardrums exposed to the whiny siren.

Itachi caught Hidan's attention and thumbed meaningfully at the box. Giving the young Uchiha a nod, the blond man cracked his knuckles in preparation to take on his nemesis and reclaim his title as the filthiest mouth in all the five shinobi nations. Hidan stood up and walked to the corner where the box was located. He pulled up a chair, cupped his hands up to his face, and shouted out the longest string of swear words his twisted mind ever came up with.

After trying to keep up with Hidan's talented tongue for five minutes, the Censor couldn't take any more abuse and burst into flame, giving out one last -EEP!

Once again free from the damn thing, the whole room filled with loud sighs of relief and the proud Hidan bowed for the standing ovation given by Gladys and Tobi. Then the blond shinobi picked up the new stack of Swearing papers and dumped them on Itachi's table, who nodded in acceptance. Of course everyone else received another Breaking Celestial Property folder to fill out... that is everyone, but their leader.

Sasori looked up from finishing a Swearing form and noticed that Pein's pile was not getting any bigger, but files were actually disappearing at an increasing rate.

"Uh Gladys," the redhead pointed to the pile that was working in reverse, "What's going on?"

The pink-haired secretary looked up from computer to see Pein's paperwork shrink down to one folder, "Well whaddya know! Looks like my first impression of Sonny here was right. Not exactly like that Orochimaru fella, but pretty close."

"What," Deidara's mouth dropped open then pointed at Pein, "That can't be right, un! He's our freakin' leader! He was the one giving us the orders."

Ignoring the Iwa-nin's outburst, the shaggy-haired young man placed his bowl of popcorn down on the table and calmly opened up the last folder. Inside was three forms and a postcard with a modified checklist for his most recent offenses.

After checking all the boxes and signing his name, Pein closed the folder and sat in thought, 'It's amazing what one gets away with when you play the insanity card.'

Gladys typed Nagato's name into the computer and she pointed to the screen, "Yup! His good personality canceled the other out so that's all the paperwork he has to fill out."

Zetsu perked up from his folders, "Excuse me?"

"What the hell," His darker side whispered to the lighter, "Then why are we still here?"

His lighter side shrugged, "I don't know. Why don't we ask?"

"Gladys, that can't be right," Zetsu raised a hand to get Gladys' attention, "What about us?"

The pink-haired secretary frowned and nodded, "Good point, hun. Let me take a look. Wowzer! You're right. There was a mistake. Which one would be the dominate personality then?"

Zetsu's dark side pointed to his lighter half, "That one!"

Gladys nodded and walked to the file cabinet. The Grass nin was blown away when she dumped a whole new set of folders in front of him.

"Silly me assumed your darker side was more dominate, " the secretary picked up the other files that Zetsu had almost finished, "Now I'll just go dump these in the shredder."

Panicking to see his work turned into paper snow, Zetsu waved his arms frantically, "Wait! Wait! I meant this side!"

The woman tossed the folders to the back and rolled her eyes, "Hang on." She reached into a side drawer of her desk and pulled out a strange paper. Zetsu licked his lips nervously as Gladys pressed both thumbs to the paper and watched the color change.

"Okay, hun. This spiritual litmus test should give us the answer." They waited to see the thumb prints turn the exact same shade.

"It looks like you're equally evil... In that case, " Gladys went back to her file cabinet then dumped another completely different set of folders on Zetsu's table, "Here ya' go."

Zetsu visibly wilted and whimpered at the two equally high and pitifully blank piles.

"Thank you for pointing that out dearie," said Gladys with a cheerful smile, "That was so helpful. Now let's get you on your way, Sonny."

With hope in his co-circular eyes, Pein stood up from his table and walked up to the secretary, "Now I will be reincarnated to Earth like Konan."

"Oh no honey," grinned Gladys as Maureen took his file to be processed, "Lucky you gets sent straight to your ancestors. Apparently there's some people who are eager to have a little chat with you. Six of them actually."

She hit the 'Enter' button and waved farewell to the worried shinobi who was slowly disappearing in a cloud of chakra, "But I'm sure you have a logical explanation for them."

Sasori's pencil scribbled at top speed and with a determined frown, he wrote down his signature on the very last page, "Now... I am done!" He proudly dumped the folders in front of Gladys then gave the computer a hard thump when it attempted to blink off.

"Ouch!"

The redhead blinked then narrowed his eyes before biting down a finger. The genjutsu fell around him and Sasori glared at Tobi who was rubbing his poor noggin.

"Tobi! Why were you hiding as the computer?"

The embarrassed shinobi scratched the back of his head and walked back from the desk, "Tobi didn't want you to know that you were filling out his paperwork."

"WHAT?" Sasori grabbed Tobi's shirt and shook him violently, "Don't tell me I've been doing your folders this entire time."

The cheerful man shook his head, "Oh no, Sasori-sama. You've been doing everybody else's too! I think ever since Itachi-san got here." The shaking redhead heard several coughs and grumbles from behind him.

"Baka! You had to ruin it for the rest of us, un," mumbled Deidara as he stuffed more popcorn in his main mouth.

"Did any of you do a lick of work," Sasori spun around to see the other Akatsuki enjoying a game of poker then he saw his pile. The one that he should have been working on the entire time. The fucker was humongous.

"Oh fuck me," choked Sasori. Everyone nodded happily and continued their game. Then the redhead saw one more Swearing form gently float down to his hand. At the end of his rope, Sasori crushed the offending piece of paper in his shaking palm, nearly drawing blood from his digging nails.

"THAT'S IT!" His hands blurred in a series of seals and after a huge cloud of smoke, the room filled with puppets, ready to do their master's bidding. All he had to do was wiggle his fingers.

Tobi waved one hand, "Uh Sasori-sama. Fighting will just give you more papers to fill out."

A wicked sneer curled on the Puppet-master's lips as he twitched his fingers. All the puppets reached deep into their cloaks then drew out pencils, pens, and various other writing implements. Sasori raised his arms and cracked the reins to his army. Chakra-guiding hands and arms flailing, the puppets dove into the huge pile of folders and in a matter of minutes, the papers had been filled out then handed over to an overwhelmed Maureen.

Huffing and puffing, Sasori nearly fell over in exhaustion, but managed to stagger towards Gladys' desk, "There... I... Am... Done!"

Gladys nodded and smiled at the redhead, "Yes, you are, hon. And now I can send you onto the next life on the list. One Konohakagure aphid, coming right up."

Sasori nearly jumped for joy, "YES! I'm going to be an aphid! An aphid? I'm gonna be a cow?"

Just as he dissipated into glowing chakra, Sasori cried out loud, "Wait a minute, I changed my mind! FUCK!"

After Sasori of the Red Sand disappeared, Kisame crossed his arms in thought, "OI! How come Sasori wasn't pulled back when we all clearly head him swear?"

Gladys sighed and continued setting up the program for the next soul, "It's a fail safe for those who have already admitted their paperwork and are in the midst of reincarnation. To ensure efficiency and smooth passage. Otherwise, we'd have all sorts of souls gumming up the works. Okay! Who wants to be next?"

Zetsu placed his cards down and walked up the aisle, "Might as well be me. Thank you for a lovely stay, Maureen." He reached over and gave her hand a kiss.

The beehived blond blushed and giggled, "Your welcome, luv."

Gladys' fingers flew over the keyboard and smiled at the Grass nin, "Looks like your next life will be a bonsai tree." With a happy wave, she hit 'Enter'.

The dark side of Zetsu frowned to himself, "A bonsai tree? B-but bonsai are boring!"

"At least it'll be a quiet and calm existence," sighed the lighter side as he disappeared for his new life.

"Okay," Gladys looked up from her computer, "Next?"

Before anyone could protest, Kakuzu scooped up the pot of money on the table and rushed to Gladys, "That'll be me."

"Alright then," the pink-haired secretary looked down the list and nodded, "The south seas will soon be receiving a new squid. Good luck, hun!"

The Waterfall nin grumbled as he resigned himself to a pitiful life, "As long as I don't end up as shiokara or calamari, I'll be fine."

Hidan shook his head as he watched his partner turn into a cloud of chakra, "Money-grubbing cheat just grabbed the cash. Didn't even think that he wouldn't be able to spend it. Oh well, my turn!"

The blond man walked up to Gladys then gave Maureen a glare, "I could say that it's been nice meeting you... but it hasn't." The women just snickered at the petulant man and continued their jobs.

"It looks like you qualified for the blowfish slot," said Gladys and waved, "Bye bye, hon!"

As he dissolved away, Hidan furrowed his brow in thought, "A blowfish, huh. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll get sliced up for fugu nigori! Hell yeaaaaah..."

Deidara jumped up when the chakra finished floating away, "Let's get this over with, un! So what do I get?"

Gladys looked down the list, "A frog, but don't worry hon. It says here that you'll be constantly surrounded by many beautiful nude women and die happily."

The Iwa-nin drooped as he disappeared, "But what's the point of being with beautiful babes if I'm a damn frog, un!"

When Deidara was gone, Gladys took a closer look to the file, "Oh wait. He doesn't die happily. He dies hiccuping."

Tobi scratched the top of his head, "But frogs don't hiccup. They croak."

Giggling, Maureen gently ribbed Tobi with an elbow, "This one's gonna do both!"

Shaking his head, Kisame sighed then looked over at his partner, "Well, I guess this is it, Uchiha. Do you mind if I go ahead?"

Itachi tilted his head in respect, "Be my guest, Hoshigaki." The young man watched the Mist nin make his way up to where Gladys waited.

"I'm prepared for anything," said Kisame proudly, "Hit me!"

Gladys smiled in admiration and hit the 'Enter' button, "I don't know if you really are, but you sure do have guts!"

Kisame's sharp teeth glinted as a grin spread across his face and he saluted a farewell to Itachi, who did the same to the cloud of chakra.

As the younger stood up, Itachi caught a somber Tobi's attention, "We made a good run, did we not, Madara-sama?"

The older Uchiha leaned against the desk and nodded grimly, "That we did, boy."

Resigned to his new fate, Itachi turned to the pink-haired secretary, "Go ahead. I don't care what it is. I'm ready."

Hitting the keyboard, Gladys gave the young man a wink, "I'm gonna miss ya' handsome, but lotsa luck out there."

Itachi resisted rolling his eyes and politely bowed to the woman before he also disappeared for his new life.

Maureen walked up to her co-worker's desk, "So what lives did those fellas get anyways?"

"Well then, I'll show ya'," Gladys perked up and switched her screen to another window, "Let's see Hoshikagi Kisame... Yup, here we go!"

Tobi looked over the women's shoulders and pointed at the video loading, "Youtube?"

Gladys nodded excitedly, "Oh yeah, hun! Youtube is everywhere!"

When she switched the video to full screen, the three of them watched a weird looking man in green spandex and orange leg warmers running along the ocean waves.

"YOSH! What a beautiful and youthful day," Gai was so excited about his new training routine, he didn't notice a shark fin rise to the water surface. Whoever took the video, appropriately added a movie soundtrack to the shark's movement.

DA-DUM... DA-DUM... DA-DUM, DA-DUM, DA-DUM, DA-DUM, DA-DUM!

Gai swung around in time to see a huge shark open it's gigantic jaws to swallow him whole. He blurred away to safety in time then proceeded to beat the shit out of the marine animal.

The shark had one last look shock on it's face before Gai delivered the killing blow, "Hmmm. I swear I've seen this face before, but I can't seem to place it!"

"Oooh, ooh, now find Itachi-san," said Tobi as he bounced around the desk, "I want to see what happened to him."

Gladys punched up another Naruto episode where a Bikouchuu beetle had just been caught for the express purpose of finding one Uchiha Sasuke.

"Hurry, Naruto-kun," whispered a young Hyuuga girl as the boy was desperately reaching for a scratched up hitai-ate, then...

P-POOOOOOOOOT!

Naruto grasped the hitai-ate then turned around to see Team Eight holding their noses closed, "EH?"

Shino didn't have to say anything. He simply opened up the cage and the beetle flew straight to the blond boy's butt.

"That poor guy," said Maureen, "He's doomed to follow Uzumaki's ass for the rest of his short buggy life."

The orange nin shook his head with her, "What a sad fate for Itachi."

"Oh, I don't know," shrugged Gladys as she sneered, "Can't be that bad. Thousands of yaoi fans do it everyday." Then both women looked over their shoulders when they heard a forlorn sigh.

Tobi held up the very last Swearing form he had yet to finish, "I'm the last one now. It's too bad that I have to leave. I was having so much fun around here."

Gladys gave the pouting man a pat on the head, "It would've happened eventually, hon. Swearing will only take you so far."

Tobi took a few moments to think then a happy solution presented itself. He unhitched the orange mask from his head and shook out his gorgeous dark hair. Both women were stunned speechless to find a handsome distinguished face that rivaled even Itachi's.

With a sexy voice differing from the cheerful Tobi, Madara reached out with both hands to the drooling secretaries, "Shall we rendezvous in the Back Room?"


End file.
